Butt Stuff! Pizza Face! Adventure!
well, heck now, lil' darlin', that's what I call a title!
i am hungry
and everywhere i look, i am reminded of food. FOOD!!
but we’ll get to that in a minute…
bad grammar
Yes, I am a writer. But I have never claimed to be smart. (Wise? Sure. Handsome? If you say so. But no, not smart.) So the proofreaders who proofread me? Oof. They are doing god’s work. How so, you ask? Well, look no further than last week’s newsletter:
Um, yeah, so that happened. Several of you caught this and quickly reprimanded me. And for good reason! So let me be clear.
I do NOT “drink a big glass of water and poop” in the morning.
However, I DO “drink a big glass of water, and poop” in the morning.
See the distinction? Yes. So do I. Now.
okay, let’s talk about my butt
I am a man of a certain age. (Let’s say… 25? Sure. Right. I was born in 1999. Strange though, considering I graduated in 1996. Perhaps I am a time traveler.) Which means it is my time to do that really fun and exciting thing folks talk about: GET MY FIRST COLONOSCOPY! YAY!!!
Okay, so maybe not yay. But I understand why it is necessary. We each get one body. So we gotta take care of it, so it can take care of us. (See? Told you I was wise.)
I’ve heard many a tale of how horrible the experience it is. First the changing of the diet to a low-fiber diet 5 days out. (Meaning no fruits or veggies or nuts or oatmeal or anything healthy…. so basically the last few days I ate a pizza, grilled cheese, and a hill of cookies.) Then, the day before, no solids. Which for me is today, meaning I’ve had several (so many) mugs of unsweetened peppermint tea and chicken bone broth. I am now desperate for chocolate. Or popcorn. Or even a whee lil gummy bear. But I can’t, because in…. 28 minutes, I need to start drinking “the stuff.”
I do not know exactly what the stuff is, but it seems to be some kind of supervillain laxative which will force me to nest near my toilet with magazines, water, my iPad, and some baby wipes (I bought some really nice-on-tushy Aveeno Wipes for Sensitive Babies, because tonight that is what I am: a sensitive baby), so that I need not go far when I evacuate my insides.
I know… I’m gross. But I am trying to be as delicate as possible. The reason I bring this is up, because everyone says: It’s AWFUL. It’s HORRIBLE. OMG IT IS JUST PLAIN TERRIBLE. THE WORST!
Perhaps it is. But rather than go into it dreading it, I’ve decided to push my chin up and say, “LET’S GO ON A M*TH*RF*CK*NG ADVENTURE!!!” (Pardon my French.)
I’ve really been freaked out this week. Less for the anal-waterfall that will be here before dinner, and more because I’ve never been put under before. No anesthesia for me please. It’s scary! I mean, I refused to let the dentist put me under when my wisdom teeth came out, and boy oh boy was that WEIRD AF. I mean, I heard the hammer and chisel cracking open my tooth, but I don’t think you want to hear about that either.) I also insisted on staying awake when I got an endoscopy. That was even worse. Lots of tears and moaning and shaking. And that was just the nurse.
My point being, I don’t like being out of control. I do NOT like the idea of losing consciousness, especially by chemical means. So yeah, I’m a lil wigged out about tomorrow morning when they put me under to do bizarre (but ultimately beneficial) things to my GI system.
But rather than let my fear and anxiety eat me up? I am closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and saying, “LET’S DO THIS.”
So tonight, when I am…. well, you know… on the toilet….Is it gonna be uncomfortable? Probably. Am I going to sleep well? Nope. Might I poo the bed? Lord, I hope not. And all the metaphorical flutters and snakes I’m going to have in my belly tomorrow morning as they put me in a cold room with a paper dress? Well, it’s gonna be nerve-wracking. But that’s life. Sometimes we have to go through the hard parts to get to the good parts. So I’m going to embrace my fear, relax into this, and look forward to waking up tomorrow after the procedure (hopefully with no memory of it), and eating something fun. (Hmm… maybe I’ll buy myself a sheet cake.)
I’m still talking, aren’t I? Sorry. I’ll wrap it up.
Life is hard. But how you feel bout the hard stuff? That’s up to you.
Tonight, while I nestle up in my bathroom, in between bouts of… can I call them “brown-outs”? I am going too wear my Aeon Flux t-shirt and watch BRIDGERTON, season 3. Why? Cuz it makes me happy, that’s why.
you mentioned pizza?
I did! But I really need to start drinking “the stuff”, so I’m out of time. So I gotta talk fast!
My new book PIZZA FACE is on shelves everywhere today. It’s a middle grade graphic novel about getting pimples, finding your own strength, and dealing with that cute lil monster called puberty. And the art is AMAZING. (Thanks, Dave Valeza!)
So please, check it out! (And buy a copy.) If not for me, then for my lil starfish!! (You know what I’m talking about).
Best ways to buy it:
If you want the book signed and personalized by yours poopy, purchase online at my local indie Chevalier's Books.
Or, go to your local indie bookstore and buy it in person. (Maybe call ahead and ask if they have it though. Gas is expensive.) Not sure where your closest indie is? Find it here!
no, really, i have to go…
I do. So as a farewell gift, I’m going to educate you on one of the most revolutionary characters on TV: Mr. Poopybutthole.
I am not kidding. He is a very real character from the very disgusting (and hilarious) animated sci-fi comedy Rick & Morty, which my nephew lovingly introduced me to years ago, and with which I am now obsessed.
Learn more about Mr. Poopybutthole here. Or, watch his Best Of clips here.
You’re welcome.
Til next time! XOXO, Gossip Girl (aka Lady Whistledown).
